“I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.”
This quote came from the movie “High Fidelity” which I recommend even though I might not watch it again. In truth, I almost couldn’t get through the movie which was almost as shocking as standing knee deep in a puddle waiting for the thunder and lightning. After all, I am in fact a self-admitted rom-com junky.
The main character, spiraling down the rabbit hole of relationships past had me cringing. A bit of a martyr, he went on and on about why the relationships didn’t work out, blaming the other person or circumstance.
Only toward the end of the movie does he decide to take responsibility for his part in his most current failed relationship. When I had heard the voiceover say “it made more sense to commit to nothing”, it struck a huge chord with me.
It became apparent to me that up until the last three months or so, living with one foot out the door was my idea of playing it safe. It was my modus operandi, not a single soul or any circumstance could hurt me if I was always the first to leave or first to bail out. The leaving and bailing out was more emotional and mental then it was physical. It had been my excuse to quit or give up because “it’s too hard”.
I became a non-committal master, setting up expectation after expectation, spouting off judgment after judgment (if only in my head). I had little to no boundaries. Exhausting myself, trying to manipulate the system so that I could evade responsibility for my life, exactly as it was, once again. How could I expect anyone (a client, friend, spouse, etc) to be “all in” with me if I wasn’t “all in” with myself?
Today, I am in the practice of “all in” with me and with my life. And on those days where I want to cut and run I will choose to drag my other foot in and close the door behind me, moving forward in the direction of an inspiring and desirable future. And when I’m in the space of keeping options open, I will make damn sure that those options are aligned with my passion and purpose. Anything else would be a slow, painful, soul shattering internal death.
So, now I ask you “what are you committed to?” Are you all in?
