I have no idea where I am going with this so I apologize in advance if I am rambling. I have so much to get out of me and I don’t know where to start. Starting at the beginning would take too long, so I guess I will start with where I am at in this moment.
Have you ever watched a movie, read a book, or heard a song that you would know would change the way you looked at things? Maybe even changed the way you lived your life and had you question who you were? My friends, this happened to me yesterday. I’m not the same and I believe that change is constant and things never stay the same. None of us are the same people that we were twenty four hours ago. We have all had at least a thousand thoughts since them, some new, some the same. Your cells have regenerated and your body has aged. Though this is a digression, I thought it was important to share.
I have not been up this early on a Sunday since my daughter was a baby and I didn’t have a choice but to get up. This morning, I got up to meditate and visualized a large dump truck taking the trash out of my mind and emptying it into a void that went into the center of the earth for our great mother to take care of and incinerate if necessary. I even stood up to pace a few times and realized that I was trying to escape from myself.
This is the first time in my life where I have been alone. By alone, I mean without my parents to pick up the pieces or a partner that I could become obsessed with so that I could take the focus off myself. I am at the end of a divorce process that has now lasted more than a year. Everything is filed and I am just waiting for that final document which will confirm that I failed in my marriage.
Yes, I failed in my marriage. I could not be the person that he wanted me to be. I couldn’t even be the person that I wanted to be. I was so wrapped up in what the status quo was supposed to be that I lost part of me. The part of me that wasn’t afraid to speak her mind, the part that was vivacious, tenacious and sometimes a little crazy became covered up with layers of drywall and mud filled with graffiti like guilt, shame, selfish, bitch and those were the nicer ones. I find it ironic that it was that girl that my husband fell in love with, yet it was that same girl crying for help and change that caused our marriage to dissolve. Though it does take two to tango, I do not blame him for what happened. I blame myself for not speaking up sooner.
The good news about failure is that, if you are willing to look at the situation, you can learn from what happened and choose another option the next time around. Instead of looking at failure as a curse, I’m going to choose to look at is as a blessing. For if I never failed, I might not ever know what it felt like to be successful.
Where does this leave me in this moment? Since I cannot escape myself, actually since I choose to not escape myself, I will continue to dig through the mud and rubble that is covering up that woman in me that is outspoken, strong, vivacious, tenacious, a little crazy, pleasure filled and passionate. Knowing that with each failure and lesson learned exposes her just a little bit more, makes it all worth it to me.
I leave you all with this quote from Anne Sullivan --- ““Keep on beginning and failing. Each time you fail, start all over again, and you will grow stronger until you have accomplished a purpose - not the one you began with perhaps, but one you'll be glad to remember.”
Sending you all light and love,
Mary
