The Liar's Club

“Stop lying to yourself!” are the words that my friend barked at me while participating in an exercise during a three day long intensive.  The exercise called for us to be in our bathing suits (preferably ones that didn’t fit very well) and stand across from each other and judge each other as harshly as we could.  I found it interesting that the comments such as “pale, fat, out of shape, round, frizzy hair” didn’t really have that much affect on me.  I mean I could look in the mirror and see that it was true.  Well at least I saw it as the truth.  The two comments that stung were “gave up and stop lying to yourself”. These two souls saw past my outward image and into my internal world.  I was lying to myself.  I don’t even know if I knew the truth unless it was a lie.

I share this story with you today because it is time for me to come out of the closet.  It is time to admit that I am a miserable, scared, big fat liar.

When we were young we were taught that telling a lie was wrong and that we should always be truthful.  Besides once you start down that slippery slope, you have to keep track of your lies so that the truth is never found out.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not here to promote dishonesty.  I am just wondering how many times we lied to ourselves because we were afraid of confrontation or of being unloved, mistreated, abandoned, misunderstood or (gasp) made wrong.  Maybe we had expressed ourselves and were shamed for it in some way shape or form.   

I can think of many times I was asked “what’s wrong” and in fear of being unloved or abandoned or made wrong I would just respond with “nothing.”  I stayed in my marriage for the fear that if people knew what I was really thinking and feeling I would be thought of as “bad” and “wrong”.  I kept friendships and intimate relationships when I knew their time had passed for the fear of being alone in this world.  The cost I incurred showed up in my body as extra weight causing a downward spiral to low self-esteem.  I not only fed myself with food but with excuse after excuse of why I wasn’t getting my happy ending, why I wasn’t getting the goodies that everyone around me seem to be receiving.  I even made up a lie that had me thinking I hadn’t experienced enough tragedy in order to REALLY deserve all that life has to offer. 

The coaching model that I am certified in teaches us that we are everything; light and dark, stupid and smart, boring and funny, the list goes on.  One of my favorite quotes from my teacher has always been “what you can’t be with won’t let you be”.  In other words, the more you try to deny a part of yourself, the more it will show up.  It might show up in our behavior, in our health, in our relationships or all of the above.  When we can stand up and say “I am THAT” it diffuses the fear and resentment that we have been holding onto and gives us more freedom and wiggle room to be who we really are.   And most of all, when we can accept that we are THAT we are able to experience its opposite.  How would you know what it felt like to feel love if you never felt fear or hate?  How could we feel smart if we never felt stupid?  I think you get my point.

In this case, shining the light on my miserable, scared, big fat liar will illuminate the way to my overjoyed, brave, sexy goddess.  I can’t wait to see her again!

Wishing you all peace and clarity…

Mary Cunningham
Integrative Coach/Leader